Move to a city I'm not crazy about for better dating prospects? I'm a straight female living in NYC. Dating is really, really tough here. I've been single a long time. I want to get married and have kids.
You will work on your looks more, but it still won't be enough and you'll be back on metafilter with another version of this question in a year 2. In ten or twenty years, when the aging starts to hit, you'll look back on your photos and wish you hadn't wasted so much time beating up on yourself. What's more, I think you know you're better-looking than average - there's something in the way you write these questions that suggests this to me.
There aren't a lot of this kind of "hot or not" questions posted here, either, so you're kind of going outside the typical place for this stuff - it really reads to me more as a I find myself wondering what you do with yourself when you're not worrying about your looks - do you do any kind of political work? Teach a class? Do you have any way of gaining status that isn't "I look hot" or "I have a fancy job"?
Authoritative point improve dating prospects consider, that you
On a practical level, an accomplished person is always attractive and if you start out handsome you'll have people trailing around after you because you'll be handsome and in a leadership role. But it will also give you some way of feeling worthwhile other than looks and you'll meet a better class of fellow. Also, I'm getting an "I want to date only super-hot guys" vibe here - I think it's a bit fake to be all "average gay guys like me". I know lots of average gay guys, my friend, and so you do - and it's disingenuous to pretend that they all look like you or better.
I hope you're talking to your therapist about why you want to date only guys who are really hot, to the point where you're cutting into yourself, physically and emotionally, to attain that.
I also hope you're being really direct on your dating profiles - "Looks are very important to me; please only message me if [some in-group language for 'being really good looking]". I think putting that out there in those terms would be good for you if you're not already doing it - frankly, I think it's a shallow goal, but at least it's your goalnot some kind of "oh universe please let me prove that I am worthwhile so that I can date a handsome guy".
Another thing that once shook me out of complaining about my own appearance in front of others : perhaps think about how your concerns about micro-managing your appearance make other less-good-looking people feel. I don't care that much any more because I'm at peace with my appearance, but the message you are sending to the world is "I have had plastic surgery to improve my already attractive features and I am still barely average and cannot attain love and must improve myself, so you, who are less naturally gifted and work less hard, are really both ugly and lazy".
I bet that's not the message you want to send, but I know from my own young day that it's a message you are sending. Look, I get the sense that you come here wanting reassurance, but that reassurance is just a fix, not a cure. And any "improvements" you make aren't a cure either.
Does your therapist work with a lot of clients of color? I think that questions like this have so much subtext that you really need a therapist to sort out the "appearance issues that anyone might have" and the "really need to talk to someone with lived experience as a person of color because otherwise they won't be able to help much". I really wish you the best - I hope that in a year or two this anxiety will lose its grip and you'll be able to pursue things that will make you happy.
I - much less handsome than you! Curiosity drove me here. Something else might be, but I'm straight as they come and I'd date you! Do whatcha gotta do, my man, but at this point, you'd be gilding the lily. In addition to any other affects you may be having here, I'll bet you're making a bunch of straight women unhappy. One day I hope to look as bad. I'm not sure it makes sense to automatically assume that it's because of your looks and even if it was, do you really want to go out with the kind of tedious ass who saw your profile, thought you were a great match, but didn't like one little thing about your pictures?
Why on earth would he be good enough for YOU? Please do take our therapy advice seriously; fixating on looks is just not helpful here. I looked at your pic and tried to imagine what your problem with it was. Your mission if you choose to accept it is to discover that this is actually the best part of you. You look physically very good. You have looks well above the average. There is nothing that would be improved by plastic surgery.
Your question implies a non-standard read: potentially pathological evaluation of your looks and their contribution to your happiness. On the one hand, maybe I'm not qualified to judge because I'm a dyke and I'm like an 11 on the Kinsey scale.
On the other, I live in San Francisco, where there is hardly a shortage of gay men who are very conscious about looks, and I have eyes: There is nothing wrong with the way you look. You are nowhere near ugly or unattractive.
You are damn handsome. The thing that's making you unattractive is coming from inside the house. More therapy, less surgery. Frowner, thanks for your incredibly thoughtful response. You've given me a lot to reflect on. To answer your questions in order No, this isn't a humblebrag. My post sounds more "confident" than I really am. The humblebrag might fly when I'm surrounded by mostly straight folk who sometimes say or do something to register that they find me attractive. But the dynamic changes very quickly and dramatically in the presence of gay men, whether online or at a normal social gathering or at a gay bar.
If I sound more secure about my looks than I claim to be, it's only because of my choice of words. I don't think there's ever been a genuine moment that I've felt "so handsome. As for my career, I'm pursuing a Ph. And I acknowledge that it's superficial, vain, and irritating for people to hear. It's not when the "really hot" guys pass me up; I expect as much from them. It's when guys who are attractive but not "really hot" like me never respond or are always looking past my shoulder at someone apparently better looking.
Meeting partners or dates (and friends) in other ways is going to do a lot to improve your self-esteem and your romantic prospects. Putting yourself together with like-minded people who share your interests, hobbies, etc. is a very healthy way to introduce you to people whose affinity for you will be more about common interest, rather than their attraction to a photo of you. Dating requires selling yourself, which necessitates confidence and a healthy ego. Accept the current state of things and do your best to improve it. Go On Several Dates Those who are recently new to dating after being in a longtime relationship are encouraged to go on a number of dates to meet potential suitors. As for moving to SF to improve your dating/relationship prospects: I don't know, but I'm skeptical of your reasoning. I've liked SF the times I've visited, but never lived there. I will say, though, that moving across the country because you think dating will be easier seems a tad misguided to me. There are, literally, millions of people in New.
My intelligence, my interests, my humor, etc. I get that most guys sniff my insecurity from the moment I walk into the room and that this is what drives them away. But that doesn't really explain why I've done so poorly online even after having friends check my profile for any traces of insecurity.
I actually think that it's pretty hard to write a profile which screams of so much insecurity that people become loath to respond. Most guys I message never get to find out what I teach or what I value or what I enjoy because, I suspect, my looks don't cut it for them.
Now, if it were up to me, I'd say to the gay male urban community, "To hell with you all for caring so much about looks and directly or indirectly telling people like me that we're not attractive enough to talk to or get to know. I've had a couple of guys say to me something along the lines of "You're cute for an Indian guy".
But then I will be alone. And though I try very hard to be independent, I would be lying if I said that I don't feel lonely when I go for years without dating or any sort of physical attention. I'm not sure I understand your point about less attractive guys and whether I'm sending some sort of message to them. Lastly, I agree that reassurance from strangers on the internet isn't a cure for my psychological ailment or a solution to my dating problems, but I do think that it helps to establish whether my perception of myself is distorted.
And I think the answer to that is fairly clear. Are you primarily looking for dates online? Then, yeah, in addition to scaring people off with your insecurity, you are most assuredly running into racism.
But insecurity is likely the biggest culprit here. I'm buddies with a guy who could be your twin or twink brother, also from a major urban area. He is usually followed everywhere by an entourage of drooling dudes because in addition to being handsome, he is kind, interesting, and confident. That is, he spends a lot of time on personal pursuits and not much time worrying whether or not people find him handsome.
As others stated above, it is a burden to constantly assuage someone's poor self esteem. I also texted your Flickr link to my boyfriend, and he thinks you're gorgeous as well. I suspect the reason why people are telling you to explore other reasons why you're having so many issues with dating is because you're a gorgeous man who is focusing on something that doesn't need to change one bit. Because it's mean, and mean is ugly, that's why.
Look, I'll tell you my story: once I was young and now am not so old, and I have seen the righteous man forgotten, etc etc and thinner than I am now, had better skin, etc. I was an insecure mess. I was in a situation where I was being mentored by an older queer woman who must have been about the age I am now - a big, soft butch woman with a similar partner and a little daughter, one of those very competent, community-focused old school lesbians.
I was talking in front of her about how I was so ugly and fat and how could I possibly feel good about my looks when I looked the way I did It had never occurred to me that I - someone young and stupid and useless - could possibly make someone older and accomplished and valuable feel bad through some stupid thing I said - I might as well have been trying to take away a mountain with a teaspoon, that's how I felt.
But I'd made her feel ashamed of her body and her looks when she was so wonderful and had so much place in the world. That woman was not a potential romantic partner for me. It had nothing to do with sending messages to potential dates and everything to do with sending messages to other humans in the world and hurting them for dumb-ass, stupid reasons.
When you're all about your looks, you're putting that out into the world. That is a useful observation! What I'm hearing is that you feel like you are such a good deal for these dudes because you're smart and talented and at least as good-looking as they are if not somewhat better-looking that you really ought to be assured of their attention.
Oh, I hear that!
If that's what you're saying, well, I doubt that our dating lives are similar in other respects, but I definitely have experience with that. It was not generally a good idea - when I did end up in relationships where I felt like "I am such a really good catch, a better catch than you, maybe", I often ended up with people I didn't really like enough to be fully immersed in the relationship with, and I ended up bringing a lot of my own baggage into the relationship.
And of course, many times the people I saw as "you really ought to like me, I'm way better than you could usually do" didn't like me for perfectly legitimate reasons of their own.
Admittedly an imperfect relationship with baggage looks pretty good when you are lonely. Do you feel like you have a really transactional interpretation of relationships? Like, you need to figure out what you are "worth" on the dating marketplace and then engage in a calculation of what you can "buy", when you are a "bargain", etc?
I have tended to do that and it's been a bit destructive to me. And in that case, the things you value about yourself are "worthless" on the market and that can be a real headtrip - that's one reason I don't date cis men anymore, actually.
The things I value most about myself - brains, some wit in conversation, dapper personal style, strong political commitments, interesting life experience - are at best neutral and at worst drawbacks with most men. It sounds as though you're in a feedback loop that reinforces your insecurity - your insecurity is excessive, but real-world events keep it from abating.
I do wish I had some good advice. It's weird to me that there isn't lots of dating intrigue at your institution, though - all the academic gay dudes I know are constantly in the midst of Are you in a field that is both very straight and very straight-laced? My friends who've had the most success with relationships have mostly found them through more specialty stuff - message boards, activism, places where their interests made them interesting.
Like, all they needed was to be the best-looking guy who liked science fiction or who worked on immigrants' rights, or who was part of the film society - they weren't really competing with every other hot guy in the world and they weren't competing solely on looks. That does mean that you meet fewer people - a film society is a small place. I mean, I am sorry - I often think that while some of my gay friends have wonderful relationships, I am much happier as a sort of miscellaneously-gendered queer person who just dates whomever because I don't have to deal with so much of that really strict looks-based shit.
I hope you're able to internalize the "I am good looking" thing precisely so that you can forget about it. I wasted my twenties worrying about my looks - when I was stronger and had more spare time, I could have been out dancing every night I love to dance even nowI could have been out meeting people and doing fantastic queer activist projects.
But instead I was sitting at home being all humble and obsessed and peering into the mirror all the time, fooling with my hair and hating myself. Please don't let anybody carve on that face any more.
I am not a gay man, so I utterly cannot speak to that side of things and thus you should take my advice with a grain of salt. However, when I got my rhinoplasty, I made a firm commitment to myself that this would be the only cosmetic surgery I ever had other than minor non-invasive stuff, like removing moles, unwanted body hair, etc. The reason why I felt that was important is because I feel it's possible to give in to the temptation to have "just one more procedure" and then "just one more " until eventually you end up looking like one of those freaks on TV who serve as cautionary tales about cosmetic surgery.
It's not an unreasonable concern, and thus it's important to be very self-aware of how malleable body-image can be. I'm a little surprised that you'd be willing to post your photo, but when people tell you the more likely problem is how you approach people or present yourself you don't offer up your messages on the dating sites. Is there a reason you don't want people reading what you write to the men you are interested in?
You also don't offer any real numbers of how often this is happening to you or how many men you've sent messages to online.
There's a big difference between sending out messages in a week and receiving no replies vs sending 2 messages. How many times have you had the experience of someone glancing around the room looking for someone else to talk to? Can you remember specific incidences of this happening, or do you have more of a vague memory of it happening at some point a few years ago?
I would bet significant money that improved economic conditions in China will leave dating prospects unchanged or worse for ethnic Asians. My feelings are that dating prospects were worse than now when it was perceived that Japan would kick the U. Online dating is exactly the same as meeting someone the conventional way-it's purely a numbers game and the quicker you realise this, the better. The more messages you send out, the more replies you will receive. Research has also shown that the best time to send a message is on a Sunday afternoon. That is the time when people are. When the dating world gets rough you will be glad to have their support. By working on all these elements you will find that you are able to lead a happy and well balanced life, which will instantly make you more attractive in the dating world. Any decent man will respect and be attracted to a woman who is successful, motivated, outgoing and popular.
I'd also like to point out that you have no idea that they are looking for more attractive men to speak with. That is completely one hundred percent in your head.
Unless someone has actually stated that is what they are doing, which would be worth mentioning. They could be looking for a friend, maybe they came to the event hoping to specifically speak with one other person, maybe they just got horrible cramps and are planning a quick pathway to the bathrooms.
You don't know. If you are honestly mostly lonely and hoping for a romantic connection, why are you so hung up on dating a man who is very attractive? Do you believe that less attractive men are less loveable, or capable of giving love? Because if you truly believe that, it would help explain why all your energy is focused on your appearance. Believing yourself unlovable would be traumatizing. I think you are good-looking and I don't think any further surgeries would be helpful.
Mar 30, My Dating Prospects Are About To Improve Thread starter Brad I; Start date Mar 30, ; Sidebar. Home. Forums. Everything Else. Nonsense Anything Boards. Jokes Forum. Brad I Common Sense Isn't Common Enough. Jun 20, 1, 1, San Fernando Valley Name Brad I Boat Nope Mar 30, #1. Not explicitly for the purpose of improving dating prospects, but it is certainly a strong factor under consideration. Other rationale includes escaping my hometown, getting away from well-established social circles, cutting old associations.
If you want to furth improve your appearance, then I urge you to focus on other methods. You can improve your physique through bodybuilding and exercise.
You can focus on eating really healthily and get amazing glowing skin. What you're asking is the equivalent of asking a financial planner whether you should plan for retirement by skipping that morning latte. So too with your requests for suggestions about plastic surgery.
If there was anything you could do to improve your looks, the potential gain would be so negligible as to be immaterial. Furthermore, the potential damage to your image is off the charts. And the only way you can guarantee that you don't look like you've had plastic surgery is to not have plastic surgery. You've already done it. And good for you. But frankly, I prefer men with distinguished features.
So to me, you've just lost the one thing that might have set you apart from other people by having your nose shaped. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. Seeing a therapist is the equivalent of visiting an actual financial planner for retirement advice. Not the type that tell you to skip the latte, but the type that tell you which investment vehicles are appropriate for you, what your target should be, what the risks are, and what the potential advantages are.
They type that can accurately assess your assets and liabilities and help you make the best decisions possible for yourself.
You need to do more of that. Because it sounds like you're just getting started. Did you hear about the guy who calculated his probability of finding romance? It was a sort of pop-math article that was popular a couple years ago. A guy worked out the probability he'd find a mate based on his criteria and his circumstances.
Apologise, but improve dating prospects something is
It has been turned into a flashy video for this year on Valentine's Day, and maybe it will help you understand what long odds this whole thing is. Facts are: the odds aren't great for someone who is looking for a same-sex match, because the population is just smaller.
And made smaller still by your qualifications not that they're good or bad - but being selective means that you're just not willing to entertain all the options that might otherwise be out there for you. Good news is that the odds get better the closer you get to real life. Gays are good at self-segregating and finding each other in major ciites.
It's certainly easier now with the internet. But that doesn't improve the number of potential matches there are for you. Just improves the odds that one of them will actually work out.
It sounds to me like you are suffering from a bad marketing campaign. When advertisers set out to sell a product to someone, they don't just want the person's money. That would be short-sighted. They want loyalty. They want the future.
Suggest improve dating prospects sorry
You are currently obsessed with finding A Person. Any Person. You want that person to buy your product. You want A Romance. Any Romance. You just want that person to buy your product. What will you do with it, once you've got it?
What do you have to offer that person? What life do you want to live with them? What future do you want them to buy into? Sell that instead of your face. Cause guess what: we're all going to get old and ugly and fall apart.
It IS going to happen to you too. What then? What will you do then? Will you have more work done to stay 25 forever?
Cause it wont happen. It can't happen. Here are some factors that are probably weighing against you. You should consider them because some of them you have control over: - You are still in school. You're working on a PhD so you're likely to be in school for a long time.
This weighs against you.
Improve dating prospects
Students get screened out of a lot of people's lists. Whether rightly or wrongly, this happens. And it is probably weighing heavily against you. Students get screened out for a lot of reasons. Economics and volatility are probably the big two.
You're a PhD candidate. You're going to leave once you graduate. You're a student. You may well be living on loans. People make a lot of snap judgments when they're dating, and most of them amount to "am I willing to put up with this issue. That's an incredibly hard burden of proof to overcome. While that might help in some ways yay, more gays it is a double-edged sword.
The tyranny of choice may mean that competition is more fierce. Why not be a big fish in a small pond for a while? Why not take your show on the road so that you don't have to fight with all the gods at Equinox for the attention? As sucky as this is, the gays are ridiculously racist and I apologize on behalf of all of them. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. As a white gay dude, it actually makes me sick to my stomach when I see the blatant racism on dating sites.
But remember those statistics for finding love that I mentioned earlier? They just got slimmer because the number of awful racist jerks out there is staggering. And even if you're attracted to them, they may not be attracted to you.
No matter how much you change about your looks. Keep up with the therapy. Keep up with the self improvement. Consider how others look at you as a package, not physicallyand improve the things you can. Don't worry about your face any more.
You're sabotaging your retirement by skipping lattes when you should be making actual investments. I mean, I'm a lady, so you wouldn't be into me, but I'm into dudes. That's just online dating.
How To Quickly Make Cold Approaching Women Part Of Daily Life
I am sure that there's some degree of racism in effect; the people of color I know fare much much better with non-online dating or sites like HowAboutWe, where it's more about just finding people to do stuff with. Dating sucks, dude. Even for the very hottest people alive. You can't game it with surgery, you can't even really game it with therapy. You should get the therapy anyway because you need it for all the not-dating components of your life.
You should by no means get more surgery. And as for the dating, you just gotta keep at it and keep trying to meet people, knowing that it may be hard and it may take a very long time.
Also, this: I actually think that it's pretty hard to write a profile which screams of so much insecurity that people become loath to respond. Wow, no. It's super easy. Messages, too. SUPER easy. Just thought I'd say, even though I'm a straight guy, I can tell you're pretty damn hot, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with any of your face. Work on what's behind it. It's also worth mentioning that if you really want to improve your dating prospects-as your question title asks-you probably want to stop putting so much energy into using online profiles and the very visual medium of social media to find prospective partners.
Almost certainly, if you're putting yourself in a position where your appearance is what you're using to present a first impression, you're going to get feedback based on that. Some of it will be good, but not all of it will be. That's normal. Sometimes often unpleasant, but it's normal. Meeting partners or dates and friends in other ways is going to do a lot to improve your self-esteem and your romantic prospects.
Putting yourself together with like-minded people who share your interests, hobbies, etc. Join some volunteer groups, use mcauctionservicellc.com. Meet people, and even if they're not gay, they might have gay friends that they would love to introduce to you. Gay America used to work here for Chrissakes. Dude, insecurity is a turnoff. You're catching people looking at others because you're deep, deep, deep in confirmation bias. You're a good looking Ivy League prof, and outside of some general racism that permeates America, guys will want to fuck you.
So yeah, get with the therapy, and specifically look for things that can interrupt that needy, insecure voice that's in your head. It's not making you happy, it's not getting you laid, and it's maladaptive. Get over there, and at least the racism will be diminished. In the meantime, maybe think about installing Grindr or something and go get laid.
That deadly semen buildup is impacting your ability to think rationally, and if a guy like me can get hollered at by a bevy of dudes outside the Eagle, a dude like you can get laid even if it's not with Neil Patrick Harris. Get laid a couple of times, relax, then start thinking about dating.
A lot of the gay dating scene is totally superficial and shallow, but that's only the very surface of the gay dating scene. Don't contribute to that. Maybe you're not flashing your beautiful smile enough? Queer dude here, and I am quite experienced at spotting hotties, and you qualify. Please do not go for surgery You're working from a script that is not helpful.
However, you're headed in a good direction by asking "What else? What do you do for fun? Do you have fun?!?!? When was the last time you did something spontaneous? When did you last take a healthy risk? How often do you interact with groups of people? The reason on-line dating doesn't work is Sure, we hear of a few success stories here and there, but more often than not, the stories are fraught with anxiety, let-downs, etc.
In my personal experience, I've had lovers from backgrounds and heritages different than my own and the ones that worked out best were after I decided "no more internet dating" and got out there in the world, following my personal interests and the things I felt passion for.
Sure enough, one of the days I took a healthy risk, by going to a queer event I'd heard about but had never attended before, I laid eyes on a very beautiful person and just started talking in fact, I said something vaguely dorky but it was something! We are still in love all these years later, and all it took was being aware that I needed to do things differently and a willingness to put aside all the negative things I think about myself and just be present in the moment, with an awareness of what is happening in the here and now.
So start today and get rid of that old script that isn't working. Heck, write it all down on a piece of paper Then, tear that paper up into the tiniest pieces ever, throw the pieces up in the air like confetti and dance for joy because you're done with all those things that don't work!! Then, go out and celebrate. Write a new list of the awesome things about you, your life, and the world around you.
Then start sharing your gorgeous smile with the world One of them is going to smile back one day, and then the fun begins! If I dated someone who looked like you, and they told me they had plastic surgery for the reasons you give, it would scare me right off. Maybe I'm being sexist because you're a guy, but I'd like to think it would be the same with a woman. Now, being a PhD student at an Ivy Leage? I feel your pain. Despite the fact that I am not sure I buy the "oh, no really this is not humblebragging I'm just ivy league educated and hot and so lonely" line, I will still say this: I categorically refuse to respond to overtures from extremely attractive people in pretty much any situation and especially on dating sites.
I'm not sure exactly how attractive I am, but I know when guys are in or out of my league. I date exclusively WITHIN my league because mismatched pairings are fucking miserable unless there is some kind of equalizing factor and I don't trust someone as far as I can throw them if they appear to be operating outside of this very standard social code.
Super attractive man messaging me online? He either is only after sex and has no idea how to make relationships work from never having had to try very hard OR maybe he has ten cats and some kind of even dan savage unapproved fetish.
Accept the current state of things and do your best to improve it. Those who are recently new to dating after being in a longtime relationship are encouraged to go on a number of dates to meet potential suitors. Some people find themselves rebounding or getting into a new relationship too soon. Be sure to give yourself time to explore options and get familiar with the current world of dating. Some people like to smoke cigarettes or use their vape pen when on a date.
It may be better to excuse yourself and go outside for a smoke if you feel the need. Some may be in a hurry to get back in an intimate relationship. It would be great to find the love of your life but that takes time, and for some, it requires a lot of dating. A great relationship takes time and nurturing. You want to make a good impression, especially on first dates. You want the person to get to know you and not the inebriated version of you. Order a drink or two but keep alcohol consumption to a minimum.
Sounds tempting improve dating prospects have
Dating advice. Be Confident No one likes a person who is cocky but being too reserved can send the wrong message too. Go On Several Dates Those who are recently new to dating after being in a longtime relationship are encouraged to go on a number of dates to meet potential suitors. Keep a Lid on Habits Some people like to smoke cigarettes or use their vape pen when on a date.
Have Fun But Keep Expectations Low It would be great to find the love of your life but that takes time, and for some, it requires a lot of dating. Related Posts.