Brodie: Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime. Shannon Hamilton: That's it. You're dead, mallrat. Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.
The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts. Brodie: So, I was just telling T. If there's anybody who can help us, it's the two guys who have even less to do than us. Jay: What is this shit? Everybody's looking for us today. We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan here about her video setup. Jay: Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in the eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit.
Motherfucker's like McGyver-no, motherfucker's better than McGyver! Brodie: [regarding Mr. Svenning] After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.
Brodie: You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this.
You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell. Brodie: Yeah I probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been? Brodie: You know how long it takes for that smell to come off?
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Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly. Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach. Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable. Brodie: You know about this game show they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen. Jay: What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and fucking bickety-bam!
The whole stage comes crashing down. Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but, hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that. Brandi: Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
Gill: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed. Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit?!
That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that! Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed. Brodie: Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homo-phobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?
Brodie: Textbook closet case. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.
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Shannon: Yeah, who's your favorite new kid? Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Please don't go. Shannon: Ah, 15? I thought she was 36! Tell me you wouldn't have popped her. TV Shows. Sophomore jinx hit hard in this second film by Kevin Smith, whose debut Clerks transcended the limits of its setting and budget to become something memorably funny.
Smith followed Mallrats with the wonderful Chasing Amy, so Mallrats definitely had the old curse. A ramshackle comedy set in a mall, the film follows several story lines involving lovers, enemies, friends, goofballs, and Smith's own "silent" character, who also appeared in Clerks and Chasing Amy. A heavy self-consciousness weighs on everything, as if Smith forgot how to make obscenity funny instead of tedious. Still, it's nice to see some of the director's film family on screen, among them Jason Lee and Joey Lauren Adams.
IMDB: 7. Rene: What are you doing? You promised me breakfast. Gil Hicks: What Jay: Is he gone? Brodie: Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now. Jay: Man, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog Quint: How do I do that? Brodie: I took you shopping all the time!
Jay: Where do you get these wonderful toys? Silent Bob: Adventure, excitement Brodie: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega. Brodie: I would've made a sexy chick. Quint: She said that? Brodie: The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched. Quint: You're such an anal retentive bastard. Quint: But they're engaged. Brodie: Doesn't matter, can't happen.
Quint: Why not? It's bound to come up. Quint: Sure, why not? Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court. Quint: Of course it is. Brodie: Wait, what's whoopee?
Brandi: You know, being intimate. Brodie: What? Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public? Brodie: I already did once today.
Gil Hicks: Well, did he cum, or what? Shannon Hamilton: You wanna say something? Brodie: I love the smell of commerce in the morning. Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like? Quint: How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us? Brodie: Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here. Tricia Jones: Nobody calls me that. Jay: Come to me, son of Jor-El. Kneel before Zod. Brodie: You two are retarded for each other. Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.
Brodie: Yeah, I probably look like my old man. Quint: That wasn't me. It was you. Brodie: Oh, yeah. Quint: And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother. Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.
Jay: Dude, this one looks like your mom. Quint: Jesus, how much did you smoke? Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights. Quint: How much do I owe you? Quint: Let's hope there is a next time.
Jay: Dude, you the mad chick magnet. Brodie: Hey, look at that ring. What is that? Jared Svenning: That is, um, my Junior College class ring. Cum Laude, ' Brodie: I also hope to cum loud one day, preferably in a Brodie: There is something out there that can help us ease our simultanious double loss T. Quint: What? Ritual suicide? Quint: I prefer ritual suicide Brodie: Oh come on man it'll be great they have these new cookies at the cookie stand you have to try 'em they're awesome.
Brodie: But you've had a lot of girls, right? Quint: I was going to propose to her. Brodie: Where? Quint: The Universal Tour. Brodie: You're kidding. What part? Quint: When Jaws popped out of the water. Brodie: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard. Quint: Too bad I'm not trying to marry you. Brodie: Hey, now, be fair. Toad's Wild Ride. Brodie: Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?
Brodie: If this is her idea of protective, I'd hate to have her mad at me. Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen? Shannon Hamilton: No. More like someplace girls dread. Quint: I got to hit the bathroom.
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Don't say "hit". Brodie: Come on, this is the dirt mall. Cops don't come here. Quint: Neither does any self-respecting consumer. Ivannah: Free your minds. Brodie: I'd like to free something Shannon Hamilton: The customer is always an asshole!
Brodie: Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? Quint: You're nothin' but a lot of talk and a badge. Brodie: She Ryu'd my arse from Ken to E. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment- Rene: Sentimental attachment?
Rene: For what? When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale- Rene: Brodie, Brodie- Brodie: -or a boat show- Rene: Brodie! Rene: Brodie, start the elevator. Brodie: Damn, that's hot! I don't understand [Gwen suddenly approaches T. I'm sorry, I didn't even know it was you. Brodie: I'm not glowing. All right! Brodie: The Force is strong with this one. Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.
Brodie: Why him? Brodie: You stinkpalm him. Brodie: Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies. Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?!
Jay: He's fucking dead! Brodie: Oh, let it go, he's under a lot of pressure. Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
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Brodie: I had it coming. Jay: Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob. Gwen: Shannon Hamilton? Like the back of a Volkswagen? Brodie: Sounds like his M.
Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway. Brodie: Really? Gill: Who the hell did you see me kiss? Gill: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! True story.
He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later at the mall and he was buying another cat! To something I said? Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for.
Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch! Kneel before Zod! Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. I attack the structure Wolvie Berserk style, and knock out the fucking pin and - bickety bam! Hence, no game show. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours.
You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there! Sorry, bro. Rene: For what? Brodie: For the mall. When we were at that hotel prom night and you asked me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk!
You think I care what store in that shit pit dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out?
Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over characters, selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers?! I wanna do girly things! Brodie: Are you insane?! The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket? Rene: Brodie, start the elevator. Brodie: No! Not until you tell me what the deal is with you and the Sperminator out there!
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How long has this been going on!? Rene: Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing! Brodie: Are you nuts?! I forgot what real men were like!
Am I right? Stan Lee: Oh, lots of women. Jagger and me, we had a running contest to see who had the most. As a matter of fact, last time I looked I was way ahead. You wanna say something?
Brodie: Yeah. What is that? Jared Svenning: That is, um, my Junior College class ring. Brodie: I also hope to cum loud one day, preferably in a I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator present company excluded. Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you. All right! The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts. Brodie: The Force is strong with this one. Brodie: So, I was just telling T.
Jay: What is this shit? Brodie: Why him?
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If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that would kill him. Brodie: The food court is downstairs.
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The cookie stand is upstairs. Brodie: Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court.
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Anything outside of said designated square counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Brodie: You stinkpalm him.
Brodie: You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. Brodie: Yeah I probably look like my old man. Svenning how have you been? Brodie: You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? I see you every week in this mall. You hang out all day. You act like you fucking live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.
You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. And, I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable. Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen? Shannon: No. Like someplace girls dread. The Easter bunny did this?! Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down. Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
Brodie: I had it coming. Jay: Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob. Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach. Gwen: Shannon Hamilton? Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated.