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When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive It's a good thing my older brother told me about it. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that. My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

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Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact cries in being old. Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks Mark and his wife were driving along a country road. They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops.

This joke may contain profanity. I want to sincerely thank everyone on for helping me deal with my sarcastic personality disorder Fuck you. Beer Belly Some guy looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and asked sarcastically "Is that Budweiser or Heineken?

A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock "am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. After a family dinner full of fun, my wife sarcastically complimented me that I have become a true master at dad jokes On the outside I might appear to be an emotionless, sarcastic piece of shit But like an onion, when you peel back the layers you find more of the same shit and start to cry.

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What did the sarcastic Canadian say when it started raining? It's a grade-A grey day The world's most sarcastic man stands trial. What does a sarcastic drum say? When the bathroom is closed at the local bar, a man makes a bet with the bartender [Longish Story] "Sorry sir, the bathroom is closed. You will have to go elsewhere", stated the bartender. He ushers the man into the closed bathroom by the sink.

I fucked a sarcastic girl. She loved it. I've decided to be less sarcastic and profane. So far, it's going pretty goddamn great.

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Off to a real fucking fantastic start. The Beatles were trying to decide where to take the photo for the Abbey Road album cover Nobody could agree. George mentioned it was his birthday and suggested a day trip to visit their friend dear Prudence. A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

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What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional? A dog, duh.

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Why do police cars have "to protect and serve" in quotes? They are being sarcastic. A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience? I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia. I'll come down after we close and see how you d I got pulled over for speeding today and as the officer was handing me my ticket, I sarcastically asked, "What am I supposed to do with this!?

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A doctor walks into the room and says, "Sir, you're going to have to stop masturbating. Because it will make me go blind? You're scaring all of the patients.

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Grandpa is becoming more sarcastic I was talking about studying abroad for school to my grandmother. My grandpa looks up from his paper, and in all seriousness said, " I once studied a broad, then I married her.

Lizzard So, not mine, but my favourite.

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Worth a read, I promise. Lizard Birth If you' ve raised kids or been oneand gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's What do you call a sarcastic criminal who's walking down stairs? A condescending con descending. No one could tell it like he did. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I What did the sarcastic left hand say to the right hand? Husband proudly announces to his wife: - Honey, I decided that it is time for me to drastically change my life position!

Wife, who knows him better than anyone, sarcastically asks: -Are you sure sitting on the TV and watching the sofa is a good idea? How do you say genius sarcastically? Apple genius.

Sarcastic dating jokes

A lady isn't getting enough sex from her husband. So she makes her way down to the magic shop and asks if they sell magic willy's. The man replys "yes, the instructions are easy, you simply say magic willy. Followed by where you would like it to go, and it will go there. So that evening her husbands working late.

She gets naked an Life Lesson A man sits down on a park bench next to a little boy. The man notices the boy is eating chocolate bars, one after another. After a few minutes, the man says "You won't live very long, eating candy like that. A man is hit by a car on a crosswalk. The driver gets out in a hurry and asks "Are you alright? An old man is at passport control in Paris He is going through his bag for his passport.

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The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before? Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side.

Sarcastic dating jokes - Register and search over 40 million singles: chat. Join the leader in mutual relations services and find a date today. Join and search! Is the number one destination for online dating with more relationships than any other dating or personals site. More jokes about: dating, love, travel, women A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. 20 Best Sarcastic Jokes That Will Tear You Laughing. by Doctor D. k views. Sarcasm is "a sharp, bitter, or cutting expression or remark; a bitter jibe or taunt". If you're not a sarcastic person then don't mess with one. Advertisements. 1 TBH yes. 2 Not me.

Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate. The lunc Three ducks went to court after being arrested When the judge calls upon the first duck, he asks him, "what's your name?

The duck says, "I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond. The judge calls upon the second duck, an An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

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His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. Harry asks his wife Theodora, "What would you like as a present for your birthday? Harry looks down wringing his hands, embarrassed: "I wasn't thinking of spending that much. Oedipus travels to the future.

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When he arrives, he is amazed by the wonders he sees around him. He finds the nearest person he can. This looks nothing of the city I know, and you tell me I traveled years into the future!? Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home.

Absolutely hillarious sarcastic one-liners! The largest collection of sarcastic one-line jokes in the world. All sorted from the best by our visitors. See TOP 10 sarcastic one liners. Mar 07,   Then, you come across the perfect profile. It might be five words, three paragraphs, or a hilarious photo, but either way you're in stitches. We've scoured the internet (and the best dating apps) to pull together a list of some of the funniest dating profiles. 1. The Truth. A big list of sarcastic jokes! 80 of them, in fact! Sourced from , Twitter, and beyond! Sarcastic Jokes. What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth? The Crimea River. Studies show that sarcastic people die younger than the average person. That's just great.

As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman. As I got out on the 11th floor You are not my dad", I replied sarcastically As the doors closed he looked me in the eye and said "No, but I brought you up, didn't I? Man : Thats never going to work. M: Its better than nothing.

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A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall? The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

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The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall.

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You land gently on your feet, light a Mahatma Gandhi's sass When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected. A math teacher was lecturing his students about double negatives and positives. He explained that a negative and a negative make a positive and that a positive and negative always make a negative.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.

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I saw it through my telescope last night. All one liners Choose by topic For special events New one liners. Sarcastic one liners. One liner tags: agefamilyfoo rudesarcastic One liner tags: carsarcastic One liner tags: attitudedeathfoo peoplesarcastic I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

One liner tags: hatesarcasticstupid One liner tags: mensarcasticwomen How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live? One liner tags: attitudedeathsarcastic One liner tags: deathfamilyhealthpunssarcastic Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.

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